so very tired....

I am sitting here just trying to figure out how things got so wrong. trying to figure out how to fix them.  It seems the harder I try to worse things get.  I turned 34 a month ago and was ignored by the man I love. Imagine that. I couldnt' even get a happy birthday but yet he finds all the time to post on everyone he knows facebook wall. I couldn't even get that. Probably due to the fact that he deleted me, because I was being a B! I can't imagin why I would ever be a B.  Sometimes things just really get to me. He decided after the whole "ignore Jennifer on her birthday" thing that he would just show up on November 10th and tell me he loved me and we would work it out.  So me being tired of fighting just let it be. For 2 weeks things were really good.  I mean we got along, things seemed really like they should be.....till the day before Thanksgiving. I knew in my heart we wouldn't be together, why should we right? After all the years we have yet to spend a holiday together why should this one be any different.  Once again I was right. (sometimes it really does suck to be right) Then he decides he wants to show up again on Saturday.  Of course showing his butt as usual. It is my fault that I didn't know that it was his little cousin that was hurt in the ATV accident. I had no clue. This is because I am not allowed in his life. The only life we have together is here at my house in Shellhorn. There is no life for us in Zion Chapel. It is his life of being the single guy in ZC and he plays family guy at my house.  So anyway things got physical again.  I don't know how in the world I have managed to get myself into this.  I can't just up and leave. This is my house that he keeps showing up too.  I have wanted things to change for so long and the only thing that happens is they get worse.  Each disagreement things get worse.  Somedays I just get so tired I don't know how I am going to continue. I know I have rambled on but I find myself so confused by my feelings and everything that has happened.  If, you are reading this maybe you have some advice or suggestions on how to keep going and how to get me motivated to once again pick up the pieces and attempt to move forward.