tired of being responsible all the time!!!!

Last night was a pretty difficult night...just thinking of all the time I have wasted and for what.  To be attached to kids I won't see again. To have lived the last few yhears as a lie.  It sucks so bad to be lied to, but it sucks even more knowing you didn't mean enough to someone to be told the truth.  All I do is work, come home, feed kids, do homework, get kids ready for bed.  It just seems so much responsiblity is piled high on my plate. But Donny can come and go as he pleases. He has 0 responsibility for Kaden.  Being the one that is always responsible sometimes sucks. Sometimes I want to go out and have fun. Sometimes I don't want to have to rush to daycare and have to rush home to do homework with the kids.  It seems the more you do, the more people want to take from you. It isn't enough that I spent my entire pregnancy alone. But now I am raising Kaden alone. Instead of the respect that I deserve for pulling my weight and his weight. It is all about bashing Jennifer for this and that. Jennifer is a this and that.  Nevermind the fact that I pay for all of daycare and everything else.  Just so sick and tired of doing everything and getting crap for it.

Someday I will find a man that cares for me as much as I care for him.  A man that respects me for the person I am and all that I bring to the table....but then sometimes I wonder how will I ever find someone when all I do is work and come home.  95% of my time is spent with at least 1 of my kids.....UGH!!! Maybe tonight I will sleep and all the pain won't be as bad tonight.

day by day

so today has been a little easier. I actually  had a pretty good day. I had a good conversation with a new friend today.  I have decided to let this new friend set me up with a goo friend of hers. I think it is the best thing for me to move forward with my life.  It is so clear from all the things I have learned over the last week that I need to walk...well actually run away from Donny. Meeting someone new will give me a fresh start. I hope to meet someone that has the same values and goals that I do. So I am pretty excited about meeting new people.
Something I did today, that I probably will regret and probably shouldn't have done it. But I gathered up all Donny's stuff today and threw it on his bronco at work. I just needed his stuff gone and him out of my life.  I am sure I will catch hell about it. But after finding out he has been cheating with Jamie and only God knows who else, it was the least that I should have done.  I am not as bitter towards him as I was the first few days, but tonight when I put Kaden to bed he cried and cried that he wanted his daddy. That for me just broke my heart. I used to pray and pray that I could give Donny the son that he swore he always wanted, but now it seems like he doesn't care for Kaden.  Anyway tomorrow is a new day and I hope each day gets easier and easier till there is no more pain.

First Blog

Well this is my first blog...guess I will see how this goes.  Today has been such an emotional day already.  It seems every day brings a new betrayal or heartbreak from the man that I loved with all my heart. The man I gave everything to and would have given up anything and everything for.  I know it should be so simple to just walk away.  But for some reason I can't explain. I can't walk away. I can't let him go.  I just sometimes wished he loves me half as much as I love him.  Maybe with starting a blog I can put my feelings down. Maybe it can help me begin the long journey of healing.  A very good friend told me no man wants an unhappy woman. She is so right. I have been so depressed with my situation for far to long. I have let so many things go because I have been so focused on Donny.  I think in time I can get back to where I was or even better. I know that each day that goes by I will get stronger and stronger.  With getting stronger each day I will be a better mother, friend, and person.  Thank you to all my friends who have listened to me go on and on about my heartbreak. I truely appreciate each and everyone of you.