so very tired....

I am sitting here just trying to figure out how things got so wrong. trying to figure out how to fix them.  It seems the harder I try to worse things get.  I turned 34 a month ago and was ignored by the man I love. Imagine that. I couldnt' even get a happy birthday but yet he finds all the time to post on everyone he knows facebook wall. I couldn't even get that. Probably due to the fact that he deleted me, because I was being a B! I can't imagin why I would ever be a B.  Sometimes things just really get to me. He decided after the whole "ignore Jennifer on her birthday" thing that he would just show up on November 10th and tell me he loved me and we would work it out.  So me being tired of fighting just let it be. For 2 weeks things were really good.  I mean we got along, things seemed really like they should be.....till the day before Thanksgiving. I knew in my heart we wouldn't be together, why should we right? After all the years we have yet to spend a holiday together why should this one be any different.  Once again I was right. (sometimes it really does suck to be right) Then he decides he wants to show up again on Saturday.  Of course showing his butt as usual. It is my fault that I didn't know that it was his little cousin that was hurt in the ATV accident. I had no clue. This is because I am not allowed in his life. The only life we have together is here at my house in Shellhorn. There is no life for us in Zion Chapel. It is his life of being the single guy in ZC and he plays family guy at my house.  So anyway things got physical again.  I don't know how in the world I have managed to get myself into this.  I can't just up and leave. This is my house that he keeps showing up too.  I have wanted things to change for so long and the only thing that happens is they get worse.  Each disagreement things get worse.  Somedays I just get so tired I don't know how I am going to continue. I know I have rambled on but I find myself so confused by my feelings and everything that has happened.  If, you are reading this maybe you have some advice or suggestions on how to keep going and how to get me motivated to once again pick up the pieces and attempt to move forward.

time to call BS!!

well it seems the time has come for me to call BS out on Mr. Parker. He had the nerve to text me tonight saying that all I was out for was money in regards to my son Kaden.  UMM excuse me?? you douche bag. I have paid for EVERYTHING for Kaden since before he was born. I bought the diapers, formula, clothes, crib, sheets, wipes etc etc when he was a baby. I paid for all the doctor's appointments and missed work for them. I have paid for daycare for Kaden since the day he started daycare.  You Donny Parker have not ever paid for anything.  You don't buy him clothes when he out grows them, you don't buy him underwear or pull-ups. You don't buy his medicines when he is sick.
I am beyond pissed at the nerve of that deadbeat to say I only want money, yeah you getting off your A@@ and paying for your son like you pay for your other 2 kids would be nice.  I find it laughable that he wants to have everyone believing he pays for all his kids the same through all his "deductions" well I can assure you that his "deductions" DOES NOT include Kaden Hunter Simmons!!  Some men are such losers that they can't recognize when someone is trying to do right and not force the issue of child support and say just help pay what you can.  It doesn't matter that the  responsiblity for Kaden is mine alone. But I tried to be nice and reasonable about it.  But no that wasn't good enough for him.

it's been awhile......

well it has been awhile since I wrote anything.  A couple of weeks ago "he" just showed up out of the blue, which led to a horrible fight.  He was violent again.  For the first time I was really scared. I really thought I was going to be hurt, something about being choked till you almost pass out will do that for you.  A police report was filed. I was so sick at my stomach about what to do. I didn't want him to go to jail, but I wanted him to get help for his issues.  I don't feel the same anymore. I don't feel love anymore. I just want him to go away. He can't give me what I want and what I need.  I made the hard decision a day or so ago that he needs to stay out of Kaden's life for good. If, he can't treat Kaden the same as his other children he just doesn't need to be involved in Kaden's life. I think the back and forth and around Kaden one day and gone for a week or longer isn't good for Kaden.  Plus it isn't fair to him. It is going to be tough but I know it is for the best. In time Kaden will realize how things are. He is already so smart he knows that when he calls his dad he won't answer and he won't call him back. How sad that at 3 year's old he realizes this.
I know I am tired of being alone. But I know it is going to take time to heal myself from all the damage that has been done these last couple of years.  I still have my very bad nights where I just cry all night long, but I know I have to stay strong for my kids. We need to be in a healthy safe enviroment free from mental, verbal and physical abuse.

tired of being responsible all the time!!!!

Last night was a pretty difficult night...just thinking of all the time I have wasted and for what.  To be attached to kids I won't see again. To have lived the last few yhears as a lie.  It sucks so bad to be lied to, but it sucks even more knowing you didn't mean enough to someone to be told the truth.  All I do is work, come home, feed kids, do homework, get kids ready for bed.  It just seems so much responsiblity is piled high on my plate. But Donny can come and go as he pleases. He has 0 responsibility for Kaden.  Being the one that is always responsible sometimes sucks. Sometimes I want to go out and have fun. Sometimes I don't want to have to rush to daycare and have to rush home to do homework with the kids.  It seems the more you do, the more people want to take from you. It isn't enough that I spent my entire pregnancy alone. But now I am raising Kaden alone. Instead of the respect that I deserve for pulling my weight and his weight. It is all about bashing Jennifer for this and that. Jennifer is a this and that.  Nevermind the fact that I pay for all of daycare and everything else.  Just so sick and tired of doing everything and getting crap for it.

Someday I will find a man that cares for me as much as I care for him.  A man that respects me for the person I am and all that I bring to the table....but then sometimes I wonder how will I ever find someone when all I do is work and come home.  95% of my time is spent with at least 1 of my kids.....UGH!!! Maybe tonight I will sleep and all the pain won't be as bad tonight.

day by day

so today has been a little easier. I actually  had a pretty good day. I had a good conversation with a new friend today.  I have decided to let this new friend set me up with a goo friend of hers. I think it is the best thing for me to move forward with my life.  It is so clear from all the things I have learned over the last week that I need to walk...well actually run away from Donny. Meeting someone new will give me a fresh start. I hope to meet someone that has the same values and goals that I do. So I am pretty excited about meeting new people.
Something I did today, that I probably will regret and probably shouldn't have done it. But I gathered up all Donny's stuff today and threw it on his bronco at work. I just needed his stuff gone and him out of my life.  I am sure I will catch hell about it. But after finding out he has been cheating with Jamie and only God knows who else, it was the least that I should have done.  I am not as bitter towards him as I was the first few days, but tonight when I put Kaden to bed he cried and cried that he wanted his daddy. That for me just broke my heart. I used to pray and pray that I could give Donny the son that he swore he always wanted, but now it seems like he doesn't care for Kaden.  Anyway tomorrow is a new day and I hope each day gets easier and easier till there is no more pain.

First Blog

Well this is my first blog...guess I will see how this goes.  Today has been such an emotional day already.  It seems every day brings a new betrayal or heartbreak from the man that I loved with all my heart. The man I gave everything to and would have given up anything and everything for.  I know it should be so simple to just walk away.  But for some reason I can't explain. I can't walk away. I can't let him go.  I just sometimes wished he loves me half as much as I love him.  Maybe with starting a blog I can put my feelings down. Maybe it can help me begin the long journey of healing.  A very good friend told me no man wants an unhappy woman. She is so right. I have been so depressed with my situation for far to long. I have let so many things go because I have been so focused on Donny.  I think in time I can get back to where I was or even better. I know that each day that goes by I will get stronger and stronger.  With getting stronger each day I will be a better mother, friend, and person.  Thank you to all my friends who have listened to me go on and on about my heartbreak. I truely appreciate each and everyone of you.